My Omani Outfit, and a Wife's Rights Over Husband (beyond financial)

Since alot of women read this blog, I thought I'd share an interesting article written by a Sheikh I just read on a woman's rights over her husband. Most sites say, yada yada yada, this is the husband's rights over his wife in a dispute, and mashaAllah, these things are wonderful to know, but many women tell me that we have no rights over our husbands in disputes and the like, beyond financial things. This is not so, ya Rub!!!!!!

But first, I'd like to share with ya'll, a pic of my Omani outfit. Yes, the hijab should cover the chest, but I wasn't going out of my home, LOL, so I didn't try to style it as neat as I could have. I am new to the whole "warqiya" (Omani tasselled shawl thing). A local (well, long-time expat) friend tried to show me how to do it, but she's a little less strict on the whole hijab thing than me, LOL.

What do you think? Boxie says I look like a green firefly, LOL, but my Omani friends were all super excited that I actually wore it (only once!). They were all like, but you are Canadian, you can get away without black abaya all the time...

Now to the article (note: I didn't write it):

Q: I have frequently read what, according to Islamic teachings, a husband may or may not do in a dispute with his wife if he attributes it to disagreement with or misbehavior of his wife. I almost never read anything about the opposite situation: if the wife has a disagreement with her husband or *he* misbehaves. Things are nearly always told from the man's point of view! What are the wife's rights in the case of bad behavior of her husband?

A: Praise belongs to Allah the Lord of all the worlds. Blessings and Peace on the Messenger of Allah, and on his Family and all his Companions.

Allah ordered the believers to "consort with women in kindness" (4:19) and He said: "And of His signs are this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect" (30:21).

A Wife's Basic Rights Regarding Her Husband's Behavior

NOTE: This is distinct from her other rights regarding living expenditures, housing, clothing, and education of children. And from Allah comes all success.

1. The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her." This is an order of the Prophet [salla Allahu `alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, abbr. (s)] according to the hadith: "ahaqqu al-shuruti an tufu bihi ma astahlaltum bihi min al-furuj"

2. He cannot order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).

3. He must exercise patience and be prepared to listen to her advice in every situation. The Prophet (s) listened to the advice of his wives in matters ranging from the smallest to the greatest.

4. If she invites him to wake up and perform the late night prayer, it is praiseworthy for him to do so and vice-versa. The Prophet (s) prayed for such people: "May Allah grant mercy to a man who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up his wife, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face; may Allah grant mercy to a woman who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up her husband, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face."

5. He must respect her and pay attention to her needs so that she will respect him and pay attention to his.

6. He must control his passions and act in a moderate manner especially in the context of sexual intercourse. Remember that Allah has placed between you and her "friendship and mercy" (mawadda wa rahma), not the gratification of your every lust; and that the Prophet (s) advised young men to marry "because it casts down the gaze and walls up the genitals," not in order to stimulate sexual passions. The husband should habitually seek refuge in Allah before approaching his wife and say: "O Allah, ward off the satan from us and ward him off from what you have bestowed upon us in the way of children" (allahumma jannibna al-shaytana wa jannibhu ma razaqtana). Allah has called each spouse a garment for the other (2:187), and the purpose of garments is decency. The Prophet (s) further said that he who marries for the sake of decency and modesty (`afaf), Allah has enjoined upon Himself to help him.

7. He must never ever divulge the secrets of the household and those of the married couple.

8. He must strive with sincerity to acquire her trust, and seek her welfare in all the actions that pertain to her.

9. He must treat her generously at all times. The Prophet (s) said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.

10. If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.

11. He must avoid excessive jealousy and remember that Allah is also jealous that he himself not commit. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not be excessively jealous of your wife lest evil be hurled at her on your account" (la tukthir al-gheerata `ala ahlika fa turama bi al-su'i min ajlik) and he said: "Allah is jealous and the believer is jealous; and Allah's jealousy is that the believer should not go to that which Allah has forbidden for him" (inna Allaha yagharu wa al- mu'minu yagharu wa gheerat Allahi in ya'tiya al-mu'minu ma harrama `alayhi).

12. He must protect her honor and not place her in situations where it is compromised or belittled. The Prophet (s) said that Allah will not ever let him enter Paradise who cares little who shares his wife's privacy. This includes the husband's brother, uncle, and nephew, let alone non-related friends, neighbors, and complete strangers.

13. He must exercise patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce. The declaration of divorce is a grave matter indeed, and the Prophet (s) said: "Of permitted matters the most loathesome before Allah is divorce" (abgh`ad al-halal `ind Allah al-talaq). In another hadith he said that divorce is so grave that because of it Allah's throne is made to shake. He said: "The best intercession [i.e. intervention of a third party] is that which brings back together the husband and the wife." Womanizing -- divorce for the purpose of marrying another woman out of sexual attraction incurs Allah's curse according to the hadith: "Allah's curse is on the womanizing, divorcing man" (la`ana Allahu kulla dhawwaaqin mutallaaq). Finally, even in the midst of and after divorce, Allah has prescribed kindness upon the man: "(After pronouncing divorce) she must be retained in honor or released in kindness" (2:228).

For the above-mentioned reason (i.e. to prevent the quickness of divorce), in his time, Ibn Taymiyya gave the ijtihad (juridical opinion) by saying that three talaqs in one sitting constituted only one. He did this to interdict the prevalent custom of suddenly giving three talaqs, which in his time was on everyone's lips, (i.e. had become so commonplace as to be a habit). However the other four schools of fiqh had the opposite opinion in this matter.

14. He must not dwell on what he dislikes in his wife, but on what he likes.

15. The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. Allah said: "Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129). Protracted separation (6 months or more in the Shafi`i school) without prior or subsequent arrangement with the wife, whether the husband is away willingly or unwillingly (for example due to war, imprisonment, or illness) is sufficient grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

16. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not beat your wife." He also said: "Do not strike your wife in the face." The expiation for striking one's slave in the face is to set him or her free on the spot, but what expiation is there for striking one's wife? The Prophet (s) condemned the man who beats his wife in the day and then approaches her at night. And to beat her to the extent of inflicting serious injury is enough grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

17. Caring for one's wife's sexual fulfillment is an obligation of religion. The Prophet (s) warned against rushing to gratify one's pleasure and forgetting that of one's wife. He also disliked that the husband should quickly withdraw from his wife afterwards, as it is a strain upon the wife. If she asks for intercourse, he should not refuse.

Conclusion
These are only some of the basic duties of the husband in Islam. The state of marriage is part of one's adherence to the Sunna and an exalted state of life indeed. In the words of the Prophet (s), it permits one to meet Allah "pure and cleansed" (tahiran mutahharan). One's behavior towards one's wife is the measure of the perfection of one's belief as the Prophet (s) said: "The most complete of the believers in his belief is he who perfects his manners, and the best of you in manners are those who act best towards their wives." Marriage must be approached with utmost seriousness, entered with the purest intent, and cultivated religiously as it does not come cheaply and it carries immense reward. The Prophet (s) called it "his way" (al-nikahu sunnati) and "half of religion" and he also said: "Two rak`at (prayer-cycles) of the married person are better than seventy rak`at of the unmarried." He also warned that among the greatest of responsibilities that had been placed upon men is that pertaining to the treatment of their wives.

And may Allah's blessings and peace be upon Muhammad,
his Family and all his Companions,
and praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds

Was it for Lust- an answer about the wives of the Prophet Mohammed S.A.W

Any of those who attack our precious deen of Islam must first attack the reputation of our beloved Prophet Mohammed (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), as indeed has been done by the enemies of Islam since the day Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) first guided His Messenger to testify to the Oneness of God. To do so in this day and age, they often bring up the issue of multiple wives, to scare us away from seeking out more knowledge of who this man actually was who Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) chose to reveal the Qu'ran to and have him worthy enough to guide mankind in its matters.It has always been easy for an educated historian to reply to that: Christianity and Judaism also allowed for multiple wives as King Soloman had 700 wives and over 300 slaves in the Torah and the Bible. Islam is the only religion to have put a cap on how many wives a man could have [four] and remains the only religion to say it is better to marry only one. Critics of Islam will then ask, why did the Prophet Mohammed (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam) marry more than one then?

Now, you enemies of Islam, be patient in your address, and let truth itself defend our beloved Messenger (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam). The first wife (and first Muslim) of the Prophet Mohammed (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), was a 40 year old twice widowed woman of great wealth and beauty belonging to the clan of Banu Hashim named Khaidijah bint Khuwaylid (may Allah be pleased with her) who was also the mother of three sons. Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was much sought after as a wife by many for both her beauty, and her wealth. By 585 CE, Khadijah was left a widow and the mother of three sons. Despite having married twice, and twice losing her husbands to the ravaging wars to which Arabia was subjected, she showed no inclination to marry a third time, even though she was sought for marriage by many honorable and highly respected men of the Arabian peninsula, throughout which she was quite famous, due to her business dealings.

The Prophet Mohammed (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam) who was 15 years younger than Khadijah, was also of a noble family, but he was an orphan and was not a man of many means. He had made a meager living tending sheep in the hills surrounding the city. Yet, at 25 years old, he had an impeccable moral character, and he was widely known as one of the most honest men around, and his reputation for honesty helped his uncle Abu Talib to convice Khaidjah to hire him on with one of her caravans. She sent him one of her servants, Maysarah, who was young, brilliant, and talented, to assist him and be Mohammed's bookkeeper. She also trusted Maysarah's account regarding her new employee's conduct, an account that was most striking, indeed one that encouraged her to abandon her decision never to marry again. For instance, he treated this servant like a person, with kindness, and compassion, as person but equal for good deeds and intentions. After he came back from his first business trip, she asked her servant, whom she sent with him, about him and his conduct. The servant amazed her by his report: this young man was the kindest, gentlest man he had ever met. Never did he treat the servant harshly, as many others do. Yet, there was more: as they traveled in the heat of the desert, the servant noticed that a cloud had followed them the entire time, shading them from the blazing sun.

With the passage of time, Khadijah's admiration for Muhammad (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), developed into a deeper affection. Khadijah was by then convinced that she had finally found a man who was worthy of her, so much so that she initiated the marriage proposal herself, sending her sister to speak with him about marriage. She asked him, "Why are you not married, yet?" "For lack of means," he answered. "What if I could offer you a wife of nobility, beauty, and wealth? Would you be interested?" she told him. He replied in the affirmative, but when she mentioned her sister, the young employee chuckled in amazement. "How could I marry her?! She has turned down the most noble men in the city, much wealthier and prominent than me, a poor shepherd," he said. "Don't you worry," the sister replied, "I'll take care of it."

The Prophet Mohammed (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), at twenty-five years of age married forty year old widowed beauty Khadijah bint Kuwaylid, and they remained married for 25 years. In a time when marriage to a woman meant taking over ownership of all her property and taking multiple wives, the Prophet (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam) never took a dinar of Khadijah's money that she did not give in a gift to him and to the cause of Islam, and he never thought of divorcing her and making off with her money to marry a younger prettier entourage (as he was legally entitled to do so in the land but NOT within the laws of Islam [so the argument that he just married her and had to be faithful to her for her money is NULL]). It wasn't until after his death that he began to consider marriage again, and when he finally agreed, it was, he said, it was because he so missed the companionship of Khadijah.

The Prophet Muhammad (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam) mourned her deeply, and even after her death, the Prophet would send food and support to Khadijah's friends and relatives, out of love for his first wife. Once, years after Khadijah died, he came across a necklace that she once wore. When he saw it, he remembered her and began to cry. His love for her never died, so much so, that his later wife, A'isha became jealous of her memory. Once she asked the Prophet if Khadijah had been the only woman worthy of his love. The Prophet replied: "She believed in me when no one else did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand."

Much has been made and said about Prophet Muhammad's (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), multiple marriages. There are many who smear the Prophet (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), as a womanizing philanderer, citing his multiple marriages. This is absolute propaganda. As a response to those who malign the Prophet, as if the Prophet were anything of the sort, he would have taken advantage of his youth to do such a thing. But he did not! At a time when it was a common custom to have multiple wives, the Prophet (salla Allah alaihi wa sallam), did not marry anyone else while he was with Khadijah.

It was only two years after Khadijah died, may God be pleased with her, that he married other women. He was then 52 years old. Let us examine his other marriages. First off, all of them excepting Aisha (R.A) were widows, many with children that he had to struggle to support. For instance, Sawda (R.A), was EIGHTY YEARS OLD and a widow. One woman, Safiyah (R.A) converted to Islam and divorced her husband and no one else offered to care for her. One woman was from the Christians, and one from the Jews.

As for Aisha (R.A) the Prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam asked for her hand from Abu Bakr when she was 6 years old and in the presence of the girl's mother who agreed, and they were married when she was 9. Aisha (R.A) had her period by then (I had mine at eight years of age so I understand---if you grow up in a hot climate you tend to get your period ealier than a cold one) and back then it was completely common for a woman who could not support herself to get married at a young age. One of my grandmothers got married at fifteen in 1913, and the other at sixteen in 1930. I got married at twenty-one but I could have been mentally stable enough to be married at eleven with a mature enough man who was patient and good [no good Muslim men in the hick town I grew up in---no Muslims either LOL]. Aisha (R.A) loved her husband very much, and she is historically documented to have expressed how much in various recorded hadith narrated BY HERSELF. People like to call him, astaghfurallah, a child molester, would have to accuse their own ancestors of the same thing, because if you go back a few hundred years, let alone the same century as the Prophet Mohammed's lifetime, your own ancestor's will be marrying very young. Marie Antionette of Austria/France, for example, was married at fourteen years old (as soon as she had her menstration).

C'mon people that-- astighfurallah--- accuse the Prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam of being a pervert: most of these wives were widows, whom the Prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam married to care after them, or they were the daughters of prominent Arab chieftains, so that the Prophet could form a cohesive Muslim society out of a fiercely tribalistic (and barbaric) Arab culture. While doing so, the Prophet Mohammed salla Allah alaihi wa sallam was very much in his old age and was being persecuted and forced out his land for nine years, tying rocks to his abdomen because of hunger from lack of food, sleeping on straw mats... Sure, he definately needed another mouth to feed. I'm sure, at fifty+ years and nigh starving to death all he could think about was sex. I don't know if you've ever been hungry, like I mean, you haven't eaten for weeks, well, your sex drive is one of the first things to go... C'MON!!!!!!! The smears against the Prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam fall flat on their faces once the light of truth shines brightly upon them.

I suggest everyone read more about the wives of the Prophet Mohammed salla Allah alaihi wa sallam and his treatment of them. His advice to men concerning women: "The best of you are the best to your spouses.

" A good english nashid with no stringed instruments (I am of the opinion that drums and singing are halal if the content is as well) about Khadijah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bam1E1G4aCc

SIDENOTE: For those like Oum Amir that constantly try to discredit Islam, I am of the opinion that ANY woman who is mature enough to understand an emotional relationship and is physically sexually aroused is ready for marriage. This differs on culture, climate, and social surroundings (and yes, eight years old is an exception in the West and alot of other places but as it happened to me I know it is MORE common then people think), but for Aisha R.A 's time period she was consider mature enough. She was teaching and leading a nation at the age you SAY she was simply old enough to start considering marriage. Also, with Islamic marriages, the parents can arrange the marriage (ie when she was six) but it isn't official until she was old enough to agree to it, and even after that, it was later that it was consummated. "Oum Amir" go take your anti-Islam stuff elsewhere. Your own ancestors probably have six year old brides. My ancestors have alot of eight and ten year old brides back three hundred years. You cannot compare certain things. I fly a plane now to travel, Aisha R.A had a camel. Some things have changed but what remains is the need for marriage when a child becomes a woman and is sexually and emotionally mature (and this can happen waaaaaaaaay earlier for some girls like it did for myself). You can't tell me my breasts came in at eight and my mind didn't until I was 15. From personal experience, I KNOW you are wrong to generalize. And your intentions are actually evil.

When would I consider this "second wife" business

I am the first wife, so first off, I should begin with when I would accept a second wife (and a third:p). Or maybe I should begin with, I am the only wife, and my husband isn't looking. First off, my mother would kill him if he took a second wife (she is a non-muslim) and my mother-in-law (she is a Saudi Muslimah) would kill him. And being that it is against the law in my country it would make our lives difficult in general. And since it isn't a practice in my husband's family it would have to come out of some out-of-the-ordinary circumstances for us, since my husband is adamant that polygamy is a sunnah of exception, not a sunnah that is mustahaab. He says he would only consider it if half the male population were physically wiped out, and even then he still thinks that he would be too selfish to treat a gaggle of females fairly. It is alot of work, he says, upkeeping one wife, should she desire not to work one day, and to support all your possible children Islamically, helping them with the expenses of education and marriage and getting their first home.

BTW all, this post came out of some thinking after reading Aalia's post [here: http://chasing-jannah.blogspot.com/2009/08/ask-co-wife-interview.html ].

Still, I know women (even seeing my husband happily married to me!) eye my husband up as possible marriage material. One waitress at my favourite restaurant [not a Muslimah alhamdulilah---- I mean in this situation I would have been saddened by a Muslimah behaving this way--- not that I don't hope she comes to Islam:p] approached my husband with her phone number after I went to the restroom. The owner of the premise happened to be within earshot. "No thank-you Ma'aam, I am married," my husband informed her. "It doesn't matter," waitress said. "No thank-you," my husband said. After she went away the owner came up to my husband and apologised. (Yeah, it doesn't hurt that the owner is one of my favourite clients from my old job unbeknownst to my husband and she is the sweetest and most fiesty and independent lady EVER lol). She (the owner) informed my husband the matter would be taken care of, and she fired said waitress after service. My husband relates the experience to me, afraid it will make me feel insecure. He doesn't need to worry. I trust him already. Some Emirati chick already tried to pull the same thing. My husband generally doesn't look a woman in the eyes and always remains a respectful distance. The fact is, studies have proven, that women are more attracted to married (or engaged in a relationship) men than unmarried ones. It is wired into our brains:p Not that that is ANY excuse for behaviour without hayaa (modesty) and taqwa (fear of Allah).

Despite what alot of misinformed people think, polygamy is not encouraged in Islam. In Judaism and Christianity polygamy existed (with NOOOOOOooooooooo cap on how many wives you could have) up until the Jewish priesthood and the Christian church (not the teachings of either faith) put a kibosh on that. Islam actuallywas the first to make a move to do anything about multiple wives. Islam said you could ONLY EVER have four wives at the same time. It further specified that a man could only marry more than one woman if he could physically and mentally and spiritually treat all the women he aimed to marry fairly and equally. Which is where my husband whines, but I don't want to... Personally, I think he is CAPABLE, but I do not think he is WILLING to work that hard lol.

There is also another thing about that ayah in the Qu'ran permitting polygamy (allowing of course the four cap and the fairness part) that many forget, but let me quote it in whole first before explaining in depth:

And if you have reason to fear that you might not act equitably towards orphans, then marry from among [the] women such as are lawful to you - [even] two, or three, or four: but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them with equal fairness, then [only] one ...

THIS ayah SAYS THAT if you cannot be fair towards the orphans (which unmarried reverts, divorced women without families, and orphan children all are) [fair, means limit yourself to halal conduct and give sadaqah] IF YOU CANNOT DO JUST THIS, then, you should marry, to stop yourself from taking advantage of them or doing things improper. This is part of it (who you can marry when marrying more than one), coming before the cap, and coming before the "treat them fairly" bit. So if a man is marrying more than one wife, it should be a woman who is alone in the world, with little or no support. THEN, on top of that, if adds, of these women in your care, if you would marry one, do not marry another if you cannot treat her fair. It does not say you should marry three, or four, lol, if you can take care of the women without improriety within the shariah. But it says, to prevent impropriety you should marry them. Which doesn't make marriage to more than one a recommendation of the religion. The recommendation is that marriage itself stops impropriety, and the best kind of women to marry if one must marry, are those women who have no one to care for them, and really, the ayah states, that the only reason to marry more than one is to care for orphans (whether they be children who need a mother who is financially and emotionally capable to raise them, a divorced woman, a widowed woman, or a woman without family). It is quite literal, and is obvious in the Arabic AND translated text. I will say of course there are many men that abuse the meaning of the text, and thus so-called Islamic polygamy gets a bad rap, but that is not how it is. How it truly is, is very unselfish on the man's part, and an act of charity (not lust and self-satisfaction).

So having studied the sunnah of multiple marriages, I can conclude, I would accept if my husband married a second wife (even if our families both disowned us for this or my country prosecuted us for this) if she was:

a. a divorced woman who could find no other good Muslim man to marry her and she was lonely and having difficulty supporting herself and maybe even her kids (I'd be willing to work to help support her too even though Islamically my husband couldn't marry another if he alone couldn't come up with the income),

b. a revert sister without a Muslim family who couldn't find a husband but was lonely,

c. a widowed woman in the same condition as woman a..,

d. If I could not have children and my husband wanted some (then obviously he could marry from a, b, and c)

e. If I had some horrible illness that made me a vegatble, or like, paralyzed, or fatigued to the point of vegetation lol (here, and only here, he could marry any woman that he wants).

In all cases but e. I would have some further criteria... I'd have to get along with the other woman, so I'd have to approve of her too, on top of my husband approving of her. Personally, myself, I'd want us all to live in the same house (but a big house, with each wife having her own floor). I wouldn't want side by side bedrooms, ya know? Ick. But I wouldn't want my husband sleeping under another roof. I would feel vulnerable then. But I guess I would be able to live with it if wife two or three or four from categories a. and c. already owned their own properties and didn't want to sell them or move their kids. But that would be hard for me. I perfer the monster house with our own sections idea.

One of the happiest marriages I have ever seen was like this (there were three wives and two were close in age [the second and the third (the third was a divorcee with an abusive family)] and the second wife was a widow from her first marriage and was thirty years older than their husband and she was like the Mommy one the other two went to for advice. There were all extroidanarily close, and obviously, the husband sought out women that needed help and that would get along, and thus, lol, the marriage was actually harder on him (since he had to work to support all three) than it was one them. Plus, lol, since they were all so close, if he ever truly messed up, usually all three would be mad to him together lol.

So I have seen it work. So I know I could do it, if it was done right. I am totally not into the guy needing another woman (who isn't in need) when nothing is wrong with his first wife (so what, she gained some baby weight, what have you done lately?hmmm?!). I would do it if divorced or widowed if the wife or wives sat at the same table as the husband and no one was just picking me as the baby-making machine or the sex toy ya know? If that were the case I'd wind up divorced pretty fast because becuase I require intellectual depth from a spouse and require to be required for the same.

I`d also want the big house compared to seperate houses because of my own preferences. And I would never, never agree to marry a man if I knew he was already married and his wife wasn`t involved in the process. That`s about it.

I know I don`t have to worry about it in the slightest, but I thought I`d get all my thoughts and reasonings out, lol, to understand my entire stance on the issue.

IN PROGRESS Juma Mubarak: My Advice for Sisters Thinking of Marrying Saudis

Juma Mubarak,

In light of certain events, I have decided to do a post on advice for women thinking of marrying Saudis, co-authored by my husband (a Saudi---so no one can say I am bashing Saudis in anyway). This can be applied to any person thinking of getting married, but it is written from the only perspective that I know.

OUR ADVICE FOR SISTERS THINKING OF MARRYING SAUDIS (OR ANY OTHER GCC GUY)
by Y and Pixie

Pixie: Alhamdulilah, I am married to a Saudi man and everything worked out and yes, we are a couple deeply in love, and yes, everything has worked out for us and when people see how we treat eachother they forget that it is not easy.

Y: Marriages are never easy, but people [Saudis] look at us, and see us, and think, "I can do that" and they don't realize what ...[Pixie] and I have given up for to be with eachother. They [Saudi guys] also look at how ...[Pixie] and I met in school [before Pixie had converted] and want the same kind of meeting.

Pixie: Ain't gonna happen, lol. Not with a practicing Muslimah. I (as a practicing Muslimah) am not gonna look twice at a brother until I am approached with a meeting with a wali et all. And I was kinda like that even before Islam. I didn't want someone to defend my honor at the time, but I didn't want to waste my time. Western girl and Saudi guy seemed like a bad match from the get-go. Until I had Islam, I didn`t see too much in common with me and Y, besides a guy that liked my morals and sort of idealized the charitable person I was. Which was a bad thing to me. When you put someone on a pedastal, they are gonna fall from that pedastal, and shatter that image you have of them. So don`t marry an image, be it beauty or ethics.

Y: Love at first sight can be dumb at first sight, lol. I forgot how much you talk. Advice to the brothers, think with you head, not your heart. My wife actually told me to do this before I got to know her for the purpose of marriage. It`s good advice.

Pixie: [to Y] I wasn't star-struck with you ya know. That was all you. I was like, I am too busy in my life and Saudi men are the scum of their earth, the way they treat their women. Prejudiced as I was, lol. So we got to know eachother, but didn't flirt. It was all very-workplace, since I worked at the school. With a Muslimah, you know it is going to be marriage if you guys have to contribute to anything other than work or an Islamic issue or greeting ya know? So it is like you skip this step in an Islamic way of getting to know eachother. Which is good, because you don`t get an illusion of the person. A mistake Y and I made was having overly idealistic images of the other person. Believe me, just cause a girl took care of orphans, it doesn`t make her an easy sweet person to live with, lol.

Y: No kidding, lol. Your family warned me.

Pixie: One thing Y did was he went to meet my family right away. Y told my father of his intentions in a way that would be honest (marriage is my purpose) but that wouldn`t weird my non-muslim father out. And this was before I was even interested in him.

Y: Remember, she wasn`t Muslim yet, otherwise, I would have gone through the Masjid, got the Sheikh to speak to her. But she would have been offended then,

Pixie: Yeah, I was prejudiced. Patronizing Islam I would have scoffed. LOL. When I became Muslim, that really changed. And I did this A YEAR AWAY from having anything to do with or speaking with Y, revert I mean. It did have nothing to do with him, as I had no interest in him UNTIL I became a Muslim.

Y: Thanks.

Pixie:p

Y: When she became a Muslim, I knew I had to treat her how I would want my sister to be treated. None of this cultural bull-****. Some Saudi guys think of her as a Canadian girl, but she`s not. She`s a Muslim woman. That comes first. Be patient in explaining the shariah-way of doing things with her, if she gets offended by them, or thinks you are trying to tell her what to do when you are simply telling her what Islam says is the right way for you to conduct yourself around her. Let her realize it. If she is a convert, she will, when she studies more. She`ll end up knowing more than you, more than likely, and will end up teaching you things.

Pixie: Yes, don`t let a guy treat you in a way his father never treated his mother, or in a way different than he`d want a man courting his sister to be. Let him be the kind of man he wants for his sister. You`ll make him better, and if he is going to change to be a better person, this`ll be the only way that`ll come from himself. Because people don`t get better (I mean you can`t change them) so be prepared for them to get worse. If they get 40% worse in something that annoys you will you still love them ... i.e like being around them, then you have a chance. As a woman, please educate yourself about the ideal Muslim man (don`t expect to see him instantly though) so you can know what you will need in your life. As a convert, you might not see yourself as overly religious in the early stages of your marriage, so you might reject more religious men, but find later on that the man you ended up marrying does not fulfill your Islamic requirements of a husband (he keeps you away from your deen rather than helps you pursue it).

Y: Find a wali that knows the character of the man you are thinking about marrying but is Islamic enough to give the idiot up in a heartbeat if he does anything low to you. Your wali has to care more about Islam than he does finding either of you a mate. And any good wali has to take the Islamic rights of the woman over the cultural ones of the man. The wali should also be practical, not Islamically idealistic, so he can point out where both of you are going to have difficulty should your Islamic manners fail upon occasion (and they will).

Pixie: Saudis like many Arabs are very family-orientated. Determine very early on where you are going to live, and if the family approves of you. If the man is not willing to share the idea of taking a foreign wife with his family, then leave the situation. And lol, of course, consider if they only disaprove because they don`t know you, or they object to the idea of anyone not from an elite social group. The latter there is no hope for. If the man says he`ll cut off all but Islamic ties because his family is behaving so unislamically after he`s tried everything, then consult your wali if it is still safe to go ahead.

Y: Try and get the support of both your families. Family is very important in Islam, and while we as men owe our first obligation to our mothers, we should not support our mothers in unislamic behaviours. The Islamic way is the best way.


WILL WRITE MORE LATER INSHAALLAH, we have to get ready for juma.